She told me, “A woman needs to smell you—you must have a seductive scent.”
She gassed me with one perfume, after another, like an intoxicating toxin
that would linger for hours, like a loitering prostitute.
“What’s wrong?” She asked.
“Nothing.”
“You’re tearing up. It’s okay for a man to express his feelings. What’s going on? It’s toxic to keep emotions bottled up.”
“We should keep them in the bottle. A man needs to keep himself, to himself.”
“That leads to suicide.”
“Suicide is okay—then he can die with honor. Take that away, and he’s got nothing.”
She screamed, and cried, and pounded my chest with her fists. “It’s not okay to say that!”
“There, there—I didn’t mean to say anything.”
“But you did—and it hurt me!”
“I’m sorry.”
She looked cute when she was mad, like a little girl. I felt like a monster, and it felt good.
She got me a bottle of cologne, shaped like a lightning bolt. “This is your scent,” she said. “For the bad boy.”
I saw that she got one for herself. “Are you a bad girl?”
“No—this is good girl cologne.”
“Clever marketers,” I commented.
Then, she started to notice things about me, that needed improvement.
“When was the last time you changed your sheets. There’s a big hole in this one.”
“That’s where the wire sticks through,” I said. “I position my body just so—so it doesn’t stick me in the night.”
“You need a new mattress.”
When we went to look for one, I caught her looking me up and down. “You could dress better,” she said.
“I’m a writer—we’re allowed to look like slobs—it’s a style. Just be thankful I didn’t wear my bathrobe in public.”
“You act like you don’t want to get better.”
“It’s just that we’re all dying—I don’t see a need to cover it up.”
“Well—if they make corpses look good—you can look good.”
“This is what it comes to? —make-up, fine suits, and fancy cologne?”
“This is what you have to do— when you get a girlfriend. Most men are failures, until their women teach them, basic hygiene.”
“I want to break up.”
“What!?”
“Yes—you haven’t seen my toenails yet—and I don’t want to get a pedicure.”
“Mister—you’re already scheduled for one. Ling, has excellent acid that kills fungus.”
“If things are growing on me, they’re meant to.”
“Then, you have a whole ecosystem down there—good luck, being alone!”
She stomped off—and I could smell her lingering perfume—her presence, that didn’t quite go away.
While writing this, I got poked twice by my mattress. It belongs to me—just like my life.
The End
For other poems and stories, visit: https://intellectualshaman.com/

I really don’t know what to say, it’s just so amazing!!!
LikeLiked by 1 person
I’m glad that you liked it, Oluwanifemi!!! 🙂 Thanks for reading, and commenting!
LikeLike
Lots of cleverness. Glad you didn’t keep this one bottled up; it’s brilliant.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Clever turn of phrase, K. Hartless!!! It was my pleasure to share! And thank you for your lovely comment! 🙂
LikeLiked by 1 person
You’re most welcome. Cheers.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Make me smile! A touch of hyberbole belies the truth, n’est pa?
LikeLiked by 2 people
I’m so glad that I could make you smile, The Hidden Edge! 🙂
LikeLike
Thanks for the Link! As always, observation blogger!!!
LikeLike
Thanks for the Link Observation Blogger! 🙂
LikeLike
Love your style of writing, thanks for sharing 🙂
LikeLiked by 1 person
Thanks for your encouragement, poetisatinta!!! I’m glad that you enjoyed it! 🙂
LikeLike
You are most welcome 🙂
LikeLiked by 1 person
Such clever dialog and lots of fun to read..You’re good!:)
LikeLiked by 1 person
Reading should be fun! That’s my motto!!! I’m so glad that you enjoyed reading Karima! 🙂
LikeLiked by 1 person
Very much so:)
LikeLiked by 1 person
hey,
that s amazing 🌈♥️
LikeLiked by 1 person
Hey ruebelein, I’m glad that you enjoyed My Girlfriend and My Life. It’s one of my better poems/stories.
LikeLike
Well written! I enjoyed this a lot.
LikeLiked by 1 person
I’m so glad that you enjoyed reading mitchbouchercomposer!!!! 🙂
LikeLike
Love your style of writing! This was incredible!
LikeLiked by 1 person
Hey, thanks Maryanne!!!! I’m so glad that you enjoyed reading! You just made my day! 🙂
LikeLike
Reading this, especially at the bathrobe part, made me think of The Secret Window. Now, when I read your writing I will always picture you as Johnny Depp from the movie with the ripped old bathrobe.
LikeLiked by 1 person
That is so funny Kameron Nicole! I love that movie! I own the dvd! Funny–who knows what makes it into our writing! Thanks for reading and visiting my blog! 🙂
LikeLike
It’s a great movie! I’m going to watch it on my phone now because it’s been a decent amount of time since I watched it last. And I have to tell you that your writing is addictive. I have never found a writer on here that I just had to keep reading. You are hauntingly gifted my good sir! Never stop writing. It would be a shame to humanity if you did!
LikeLiked by 1 person
Thanks Kameron! 🙂 What kind words. I hope that you enjoy the movie. My dream hideaway is that cabin on the lake.
LikeLiked by 1 person
I enjoyed the writing here. I laughed sincerely several times. Wonderful satire. Is it satire?
LikeLiked by 1 person
Hi Ktrammel, thanks for reading! This story is based on a couple of my relationships with women. I had a spring poking me through my mattress too. Thankfully, I got a no-wire mattress from Costco. Some of this story is exaggeration. 🙂
LikeLike
Tho’ I agree with: “We should keep them in the bottle. A man needs to keep himself, to himself.”
I certainly disagree then agree with :“Suicide is okay—then he can die with honor. Take that away, and he’s got nothing.”
She screamed, and cried, and pounded my chest with her fists. “It’s not okay to say that!”
Thanx for the interesting read. g
LikeLiked by 1 person
You are most welcome, namelessneed! 🙂 And thanks for reading!
LikeLike
THIS post made me laugh out loud!…You have conveyed very powerful and meaningful messages in such a humorous way. I’m not sure if there’s any underlying pain left from the experience but you’ve shared important lessons and I’m grateful for THAT!. Thank you so much.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Hey, I’m so glad that you enjoyed the post teawiththulasi6638!!! It was my pleasure to share! Have a great day! 🙂
LikeLiked by 1 person
Thank you!. Have a great day too!. 🙂
LikeLiked by 1 person
hey,
that s amazing 🌈♥️
Thank you for sharing
LikeLiked by 1 person
I love it! Very good. Thanks for sharing.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Thanks zefiart! I’m glad that you enjoyed it!
LikeLike