I eat when I feel

bored

depressed

lonely

and stressed.

Mostly, Chinese.

I have stayed away from McDonalds

Why do people brag about how many years it’s been

since they ate at McDonalds?

One day, I went to Burger King

and got some onion rings.

I saw

a great big fat woman

dropping them

into her mouth, driving her dodge Durango.

I felt sick.

My excuse, for overeating

is my incomplete life, though

I’m motivated to lose weight

to get the attention of the girls (usually, in the summertime)—

this causes more of a headache

than its worth.

It’s nice to be noticed, and strange

that the bigger you are

the more people ignore you.

I don’t know what I’ll do

when women don’t motivate me, anymore.

I’ll probably get married

and we can grow fat together.

Then, we can apply to be on the Dr. Phil Show

and

I’ll hire a lumberjack to cut us out of our house

with a chainsaw.