Fred was old

20 years ago.

Now, everybody he knew was dead.

It was like being the last man on earth.

He was waiting for the oxygen to run out. There was little chance of that.

Nurse Tanya, kept turning up his oxygen. “We want you to get plenty of air,” she said.

“How about a smoke?”

“That would burn your lungs. Besides, smoking isn’t good for you.”

“Honey, even with modern medicine, I’m going to outlive you,” Fred said.

“What’s your secret?” Tanya asked.

“I don’t play with myself.”

“What about me?”

Tanya opened up her blouse, and exposed her breasts.

Fred looked away. “What? Are you trying to kill me, or something?”

“My other male patients love it,” she said. “I touch their bodies, so why not let them touch mine?”

“Where did you go to school?” Fred asked.

“In Romania. They teach us the healing power of physical contact.” She wobbled her chest, and her breasts danced like little girls.

“I can’t take this. It’s torture!”

“Well, in that case, why don’t you go outside, and play croquette with the other boys?”

Fred was more than happy to get away from her.

“Would you like a sandwich?” Tanya asked.

“No, god damme it! I just want to play with my mallet.”

When Fred walked outside, he began playing the game. He could get his ball through a wicket from 20 feet. His eyesight was second to none. The other boys had hair growing in unusual places. Fred still had a full head of hair, and the rest of his body was as bare as a Ken doll.

“What’s the deal with you, Fred? Why are you so young?” George asked. He was fat and working on a heart attack.

Fred calmly wacked his ball with one hand. “Moral superiority!” He said. “Don’t you know, that decadence will destroy you?”

“It never hurt me none. I lived and loved under the sun.”

“The sun will always shine on me,” Fred said. “I will never die.”

George promptly had a heart attack, and Nurse Tanya ran out into the emerald lawn, wearing nothing but her polka dotted bikini.

Fred looked away, and another man died.

He knew that women were the root of all evil. They sucked the life out of you and drained the force, because they wanted you to look at them in their underwear.

“Hey handsome!”

Fred looked. She wasn’t wearing anything. He died.

The End

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