There is something that repulses me about my boss

I can’t hold it against her

I don’t even know what it is

All I know is, that I want to get away from her.

When she is polite, it’s worse.

She giggles about some witty dialogue in a meeting,

while I think about blowing my brains out.

It’s like the seconds are being strangled

I don’t say this out of any meanness

I’m sure that she is a good person

I wish I could enjoy her, and we could be colleagues

but the same feeling is overwhelming

anytime

we occupy the same space.

This feeling goes for most writers I read

or the people I listen to on podcasts, speaking of their success.

Now, this is dangerous territory for me

when I tell my dad I don’t like Stephen King.

“Sure, I like his ideas, and I like the movies, but his books are too big. I end up getting lost in his story and stop reading.”

My dad looks at me with raised eyebrows, like it’s obvious I’m jealous of him, or something like that.

I don’t care. I just know that he depresses me, eventually, and I’ve read his book On Writing ten times.

There’s some good advice in there, but his writing doesn’t hold up.

I want to be him, but only for his success.

The writing is a whole other matter. It doesn’t speak to me at all. It makes me cringe.

Now, I feel this is a fair statement because many editors have told me my writing makes them cringe,

and I can see why they would say that, which makes me smile.

“I send my stuff to feminist publishers,” I tell my mother, “And I get the most interesting rejections.”

“You have a strange sense of humor, Andy” she tells me.

Maybe, I have lost it, and I’m not even trying to find it.

I could get a job that pays me twice as much money, but I don’t.

The reason is, my life isn’t for sale. The thought of being paid for my time is horrific.

Would you trade a year of your life for a million dollars?

People do it all the time at jobs, but they are caught between starvation and madness.

My friend just got a really good job

and he wants to buy expensive things with his time.

All I want is my freedom

and the ability to do it well, whatever that might be.

Most people and most things

sicken me.

I have to limp along until I find salvation.

Usually, the things that give me a sense of myself

are free,

but they always take my time,

and I give it over, willingly.

3 thoughts on “Would You Trade a Year of Your Life for a Million Dollars?

  1. These lines:
    Usually, the things that give me a sense of myself are free,
    but they always take my time,
    and I give it over, willingly.
    So relatable! 🙂

    I guess writers’ lives are comparatively hard. In comparison to others they require more struggles, and have more bumps and ditches.

    Only those who are passionate about writing can and want to stay on this path. Also, often people do not have the ‘freedom of choice’ in this matter. So, people do trade their lives for a better lifestyle, to fulfil their families’ responsibilities etc. all depends on the situation one is in.

    Liked by 1 person

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