That’s when the door of the silver spacecraft opened.

A red ramp touched the ground, and a green alien walked onto the grass.

It looked at me with its oval eyes, and began speaking…

“Commander Johnson, we need you.”

“What?”

“We need you to lead our squadron against the rock goblins that live in the asteroid belt. They want to destroy earth, and we can’t have that.”

The alien was speaking in gibberish.

“Are you male or female?” I asked.

“Neither, but I can screw myself, if I want a baby.”

“Wow.”

“Now, will you come with us to save earth?”

“I have a wife and a family. I can’t possibly leave.”

“They aren’t real. We implanted a chip in their brains and in your brain, so that you would be better adjusted to human life.”

“What are you talking about?” I asked.

“Have you ever wondered why you can understand me?”

“Yes. I thought I was having a psychotic break.”

“Unlikely… No—your mother and wife are cyborgs.”

“What?”

“Robots, with living tissue.”

“Strange—I thought my mother was inhuman, but I still love her, and my wife too…”

“You are in love with a blow-up doll. It’s sad, but we had to give you a human experience.”

“What about my dog?”

“Maxine? She’s canine. Why do you think she bit you?”

“I don’t know.”

“She knows you’re an alien.”

“Hey, I don’t look anything like you.”

The alien pulled a silver scalpel from its tiny pocket. “I’m only an intern, but we are dissecting humans in our lab. I’m the best in the class. Hold still. I’ll start slicing your nose in half. Any pain you feel, is just the chip talking—it’s not real.”

“Ahhh!” I screamed. I tried to run into the house, but a saucer flew above me, and torched it. My wife came running out with her hair on fire. My mother was a short distance behind. She looked like a Buddhist monk, covered in flames.

Maxine was a hotdog. She rolled onto the grass to put-out the smoke.

“I don’t want to belong to your species,” I said. “You’re monsters.”

“Hold still!” The alien grabbed my nose with its three fingers and spliced my face.

It fell-off, like a used band-aid.

I looked at my shriveled skin, lying in the grass.

“See,” the alien said.

It showed me my green face, and oval eyes. My mouth was 100 times smaller.

“Take your mirror away!” I yelled.

I noticed my wife’s bald head where the steel shined through. I loved her, even though she was a machine, who told me what to do, every morning.

“This is too much.”

“Wait a minute! I need to take-out the chip from your brain.”

The alien squeezed a pair of pliers underneath my epidermis, and pulled.

My memory went blank, like a black computer screen.

Then I rebooted. I noticed the needle leaving my arm.

“There isn’t much time—some of the rock goblins are already here.”

“Really?” I asked.

“Yes—your next-door neighbor.”

To be continued…