“Oh, you’re a writer and you work with kids and you’re single—perhaps, you would like to watch our kids?”

Young married couples with children are desperate

They are itching to be alone, but nobody can scratch that itch but me.

I don’t like to scratch other people

It gives me no satisfaction

I hope the right chemicals fill my brain

when I have kids

so I don’t leave them in a ditch somewhere

in pursuit of what I love most:

solitude.

There is a reason why I’m not married.

She will have to let me scratch myself

and there are not many women

who will allow this.

I have been on the search

for some time,

trying to discover who I am

in relation to humanity.

I love kids

I would like a big mansion

in the wilderness

with a harem of women

and 1000 children

running free

in the fields

all screaming my name,

“daddy”

with butterflies in their hair

while I type grand works of fiction

and win Nobel Prizes.

Unfortunately,

most men

live in tiny houses

with big women

who run their lives

like a fast-food restaurant.

The children can’t look up to their father

because he is an ant

and the mother

might squash him

at any moment.

So, I have to become a genius

before I can proliferate.