Failure keeps me up at night

talking to me.

“Hey, that bitch Success won’t treat you the way I will.”

“She’ll love me.”

“No, she won’t. Success will kill you.”

“Well, why do I want to hang-out with either of you?”

“Because, you don’t like being alone. You need somebody to live with, and I’ve been your friend from the beginning. Do you think you’re better than me, or something?”

“No, I don’t think that—just that I like to talk to Success from time to time.”

“What’s the matter? Am I getting old?”

“Maybe. You have plenty of friends. You don’t need me.”

“Actually, I don’t. Most people aren’t friends with Failure. You see, they don’t try.”

“Of course, they do.”

“No. They say they do, but two decades later, most of them have quit being my friend. They’re not loyal. They wanted something else, that I couldn’t give them. It was like they were spending time with me, so they could get close to Success. Can you believe that? Pretending to be my friend, just to hang-out with Success?”

“I guess, I understand why they do it.”

“How can you call me a friend?”

“Well, what do you do for me?”

“I make you grow. Iron sharpens Iron. Success is a fart in the wind. She comes and goes. She has no loyalty, unlike me.”

“I never thought of that.”

“Success doesn’t teach you anything. She’s a sycophantic bitch who praises you, when you do well, and laughs at you, when you fail. Success thinks she’s better than me, and you. She’s superficial—hollow inside. If you get her pregnant, she’ll make you rich, but she won’t make you happy.”

“Will you make me happy?”

“If you become my true friend, I will make you a philosopher. Success never argues with you, or wrestles with your opinions. It’s a one-sided relationship. Why don’t you just go out and get a sex doll?”

“I don’t want anything to screw with my Success. She’s mine.”

“What about me? Failure?”

“Fucking failure is no fun!”

“I’m hurt.”

“That’s what love is.”

“Are you saying we still have a relationship, and you’re in love with me?”

“Yes.”

“I can see we’re going to be more than friends, but tell me, ‘You won’t cheat on me with Success, will you?'”

“You know the best relationships are built on trust.”

“I know that. Well, I guess we can go to sleep now.”

“Hold on, I want to fuck Failure one more time.”

“You love me!”

“Yes.”

“Let’s get married in the morning.”

“Okay. Whatever you say, sweetheart.”