I know this guy
everybody likes. He invited me over to his house the other day.
I like his wife, and I enjoyed being there.
He can cook well
and he’s an excellent host. They made egg rolls and chicabob chicken
salad and fruit on a tray.
We watched the gossip channel.
To be liked by everybody
one must love people. Humanity, requires more—and this guy, gives
endlessly. I like to keep to myself. I’m not generous.
Sometimes, I think I should be, but it’s never genuine. This is me.
I stare into the mirror, not liking what I see. Those eyes
are big and black. I am so lucky, to have people like this
invite me over—who take an interest in me. I have walked my own way
and talked to myself, far too long—
I go see my mother
and we walk
a black and white film.
I go home at night, listening to the radio
I watch a movie about a writer who murders his wife. He visits another writer on an island
to get feedback on his story. This writer reminds me of me. He is rude, and totally uninhibited.
He smokes like a chimney
and drinks wine, like the last supper.
I asked my mother, “Should I stop writing?”
and she tells me, “We have writers in the family.”
“I don’t think I can stop.”
That’s the tragedy. If you look for yourself
for too long
you might find who you are
and there is no going back from that.
It’s a kind of acceptance, the world doesn’t accept.
Once you find your true self and accept that, you don’t change
and it seems ridiculous to keep looking…
Like finding God
and then, looking for another God
or winning the lottery, and needing to play again.
The need to change, to be molded into
what someone else wants, to be of use, is a pressing need.
If you are only of use to yourself, it can be easy to feel useless.
The impractical nature of you,
but to trade it?
There’s nothing I can trade it for, and yet
I have to watch other people
being things, I will never be.
I want to be, that asshole writer on an island
able to wield words with intrigue.
2 thoughts on “The Impractical Nature of You”
You touched on an intriguing idea the provides a key to happiness and a fulfilled life when your casually interjected the following comment.
“If you are only of use to yourself, it can be easy to feel useless.”
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I believe that it is absurd to live only for other people, but one must be able to serve other people with a purpose. Otherwise, it is easy to feel useless.
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