I am ready for hot

lonely

afternoons

where I hunt

for something

I can’t find.

I have wrestled with wanting to be liked

my whole life

it suits a human need, that I want to put on

but when I do, I find

it doesn’t fit me

nothing does

because I have walked around naked

in the hot twilight

for far too long.

What people don’t realize, is that acceptance

makes you

one of them, and I have flirted with

total acceptance, and settled on

partial tolerance,

a sliver of respectability

that festers

like a painful wound.

It might be easier, just to be cut wide-open.

If people think you are one of them, they accept you

but as you say

and do

things

that violate

who they believe you to be, who they need you to be

they disregard you,

because they can’t listen.

This is mostly true, for women

but it also applies to organizations

with female values

that emphasize

belonging

caring

and community

Public Education, comes to mind.

There is a dark side

of the moon

a harsh mistress

that cuts people off—like a crescent

especially those, who don’t yield to her gravity

Many men are ships, without a motor

sails, without wind

caught, in her regular tides.

I am a submarine

that goes down, into the depths

of nowhere

where the stillness

keeps me safe.

I have been blessed with good looks

a good mind

but when I say

the things that come out of my mouth, they turn away.

It’s not their fault

Women must feel secure in society

it’s one of the reasons why

social risks

and brave philosophies

seldom come from women.

All of their marches and slogans are done

to secure a stronger position in society

Equality,

a woman’s right to have

—golden parachutes

but they don’t want to parachute over Normandy

in the dead of night

where they will most likely become dead.

Women seek spirituality, to feel better about themselves

to feel connected to each other

and when a woman bullies

she shuns—

She tries to render a man or woman

socially irrelevant.

Her power comes from the group.

I have always been attracted to people like me

it’s a narcissistic quality

the strange

the shunned

the superior, without position, without acceptance (so interesting…)

I like to talk to homeless bums

to the men who don’t go to church

Many people are living their whole lives to be approved of—

it’s necessary, in a society

but I have always loved the freedom of being me

People will be attracted to you

like a circus freak

and then they will

dismiss you,

as someone seeking attention.

I have spent so much time, on the outside

not wanting the light,

because I am chronically misunderstood

when I am heard and seen.

The need

to be listened to

is a neediness

I have been trying to kill

with my own poisonous words

for some time.

One of the pleasures of writing stories

is that it forces me

to pay attention to people,

and when they say false things, they become false

and when they speak the truth, they become true

what a rare thing.