I used to be full of desperate self-belief
but after countless failures
I’m full of something else.
I will talk to people on the phone
about my problem
and their silence is a clue.
There are no affirmations
all of their recommendations
and have failed!
It’s much more difficult being me
I’m the failure
but even they, want me to stop.
if you do what someone says, and it doesn’t go right
they will say,
“No…no, you didn’t do it right!”
and then, you take their advice, again
and your failure is their failure
Your pain is far worse than their pain, but
get off on their vanity,
and you keep reminding them
that they are wrong,
and they didn’t have the guts
to figure that out
the hard way.
“Pray more,” they say.
“I did, I did.”
“God doesn’t want you to have it.”
“God doesn’t care.”
“He cares—he just doesn’t want you to succeed—your purpose is elsewhere. Now, stop this insanity!”
I won’t say I’ve tried every way
I talk on the phone, “I’m like that piece of marble chipped away
I can’t be anything else—I was always there, a bust of nobody.”
And they want me to be a marble column, to support some nameless structure
with the weight of responsibility on my shoulders
just like them
Well, fuck them.