“If you get the body man, you can get the girl,” my friend said

and he’s been saying that, ever since I’ve known him.

Brice hasn’t been on a date in 10 years.

His experiences with women are one of undying romantic hope

“I watched Titanic in the theater last weekend man—it was a reshowing—God, I just want to fall in love.”

Brice believes his body fitness is positively correlated with romantic success

“I was doing my cardio on the elliptical yesterday and some guy asked me why I work-out for seven hours.”

“How does he know you work out for seven hours?” I asked.

“Oh—he gave me a spot, and then he asked me about my nutrition and weight-lifting plan.”

“I see.”

“And he told me… I still can’t believe the nerve of the guy… He said my body didn’t look that great. He’s a fucking asshole.”

“Oh—maybe it was just a playful jab—you know how guys are…”

“I have to switch gyms now, so I don’t see that fag around the corner.”

“Man, maybe you should lighten up and not take things so seriously.”

“There is some good news, though” Brice said.

“What’s that?” I asked.

“I met a girl. She works behind the counter of my gym. She’s cute. She’s small. I would say 5′ 2″”

“Be careful man. You remember the last one you tried to ask out?”

“Yeah. Not my best moment. I think it was because I was wearing those Las Vegas sunglasses.”

“It could be,” I said.

“Well, I asked this girl if she wanted to hang-out after work sometime, and she said she did. I got her phone number, but then I couldn’t find her the next couple of days, so I sent her a text, and she didn’t respond. When I went back to the gym, she was working behind the counter, and I asked her if she got my message, and she told me that her purse was stolen, along with all of her credit cards.”

“Sounds like a made-up story man—you know that girls are indirect—they don’t tell a guy ‘No’.

“I don’t think that’s how she is. She has integrity. She wouldn’t lie to me.”

“Okay—what’s your next move?”

“I’m going to ask her out—point blank. She can tell me ‘No’ or she can tell me ‘Yes’. It’s the only way I’ll know if she likes me.”

“Carpe Diem man.”

The next day I got a collect call from the County Courthouse in Orlando.

“Do you want to accept this charge?” An automated voice asked me.

“Yes,” I said.

I heard my friend on the line. “She doesn’t want to go out man. I got a restraining order against me and two days in the county jail. They made me watch a video on social etiquette and I’m banned from all gyms within 50 miles.”

“What are you going to do to get your body right?” I asked.

I have a total gym at home— it’s the one Chuck Norris uses.”

“Well—do your time and shake it off. You can’t let a woman get you down.”

“You got that right man. I love you by the way!”

“I love you too man, and keep your ass to the wall.”

“Thanks for the advice.”


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