I had one good friend from middle school, but he had some wrong ideas in his head, so when I got married, I put some distance between us. My wife wanted me to—I’m not sure why.

“I’m never getting married,” Andy said.

“But what about love?” I asked.

“If love is telling her that she’s right all of the time, and if love is giving up all of your hobbies and friends, so you can spend time doing things you don’t want to do—I don’t understand why men get married.”

“Well… they get married because of love.”

“Usually, they’re confused. Their friends are getting married and celebrating it like it’s a victory, but marriage is her special day. It’s what every woman wants. Why do you think that is?”

“I don’t know.”

“Marriage is a contract with no upside for men—basically, the man signs his life away. It’s indentured servitude.”

“But he can have a family.”

“True—but if things go wrong, and they usually do, your kids become her kids. Did you know that women get custody 96% of the time in family court, and that women initiate divorce 80% of the time?”

“No—I don’t think that’s right.”

“Come on—you’re a marriage therapist—you should know these things.”

The more I talked to him, the deeper the black hole in my soul grew. He talked about it like statistics, and then I broke-off our friendship.

Three years later, in the present time…

Now—my wife is threatening to divorce me so that I’ll take-out the trash. I keep thinking about Andy’s philosophy, and his warning that I ignored. I just didn’t want to listen to reason because it was full of hopelessness.

I decided to call him, and pray he didn’t harbor any ill feelings towards me.

“Hi Andy, this is Clayton.”

“Oh, hi Clayton. It’s been a long time.”

“Would you meet me for coffee? I want some marriage counseling.”

“You’re the marriage counselor, but I’d be happy to.”

When I met him at Starbucks—he looked great! He was glowing. He was carrying his golf clubs.

“My tee-time is in one hour, so I don’t have all day. What can I help you with?”

“My wife keeps telling me that she’s going to take our son and move to New York, if I don’t do what she wants.”

“You have a son?” Andy asked.

“We got pregnant two years ago when we were having marriage difficulties.”

Andy shook his head. “First off, she got pregnant, and not you. Secondly, why are you such an idiot?”

I broke down in tears. “I can’t divorce her, or she’ll destroy me!”

“That’s about right.”

“What do I do? I’m out of options.”

“A man always has options—he just can’t see them because of his limited thinking. If you stop thinking, you forget how to. This is the primary strategy of the most dangerous woman—fill your mind full of her emotions and problems, so that you dream about them in your sleep, and can’t think in the daytime. I see two options for you—both involve a firearm.”

To be continued…

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