I was looking for someone I could respect— without that, what could I hold up, and call valuable?
The military made everyone the same, and the academic world made everyone think the same. Nothing I knew about could help me progress. Not being a philosopher, I only had a vague sense of who I wanted to become, and the images and attitudes in my mind far out-weighed the skills that would make me useful to society. It frightened me, that I was seeking an education that would make me useless. It’s dangerous to have an attitude. Adults recognize this in teenagers, immediately—it’s the first thing they stomp out.
It wasn’t going to be easy, to change—and it was going to be even harder to live with the change.
I spent three years in college, learning about how bad it was to be a man. I was looking for a man, who was a man—someone I could respect, but I couldn’t find ‘im. I felt I should be able to respect someone, but all of my heroes were toppled by the truth. I found out they had no definite purpose. Even with all their success, they were only living for themselves. They were living for the next big high. They were easily controlled by what they had: fame, money, women. And everything they achieved was done for simple reasons. There was no great mystery. I listened to them talk about their own greatness, thereby nullifying everything they had done. Greatness is an energy that expresses itself like a mountain; it just is.