there was the thing in the sky

that was going to kill us

a great glowing rock

knocked into our orbit

by God’s pool cue—

a random accident

a fateful


the scientists didn’t know if it would kill all life on earth

but it was going to make it difficult to breathe


plants in caves

might live

and bats, too

if enough insects survived

but you and me

forget it

the president was safe

and his family

a few super-models who couldn’t think very good

they would maintain the symmetrical beauty of the species

intelligence is undesirable

in men

and women

the more intelligent you are

the less likely you will reproduce

I know people believe the opposite is true

but intelligent folks

think things through


is not a forgone conclusion

but a potential problem

that must be solved

there are many unpredictable problems

that could arise from it

like a chain reaction explosion

that creates life

and ends it

the species is selfish

and wants to reproduce


in nature

running the race

of the human race



runs slowest of all

because it thinks too much.

You start thinking about your body

and how it makes you a slave.

Most people don’t like intelligence, especially the opposite sex

because they don’t understand it

and people hate

what they don’t understand

they are pleasantly oblivious

to their ignorance

and they think they know everything

or at least,


worth knowing.

So, beauty counts

and nothing would be beautiful

in a couple of days.

The houses that all looked the same

with the people dressed the same

would be covered in dust

like a dirty snow-globe

or a bunch of communists

out of Thomas Moore’s Utopia.

My buddy Scotty was trying to get laid

but even with 36 hours left

no girl wanted to sleep with him

there was no reason

because there was no long-term plan

no long-term future

Scotty was a data-analyst and he had lots of money

but that didn’t matter

Even the prostitutes wouldn’t accept money for sex

they had enough cash to witness the end of the world.

Solar eclipse freaks

were going to Nevada

to witness the impact.

I was stuck at home

with my ailing mother

who frequently complained of her memory loss

it started when I was in 5th grade, and 30 years later, it was true

she only remembered stuff from 20 years ago, and the last five minutes

so, she kept asking me about the object in the sky

and I had to explain to her that we were all going to die

and she kept saying, “It’s beautiful. Oh, God is wonderful to give us something so beautiful to see.”

“But it’s going to kill us, mom.”

“What is?”

“The asteroid.”

But by the time it registered that she was going to die

she forgot all about it

and I decided to start smoking

not that I thought it would help

but that all my favorite authors smoked

and I wanted to feel like them

but it was terrible

It made me realize

the world is full of things that won’t be missed

it takes something special

to have an impact

What most people reach for

is only a novelty.

I watched the stars

with the big one in the sky—

not much is better

on a black night.

You realize

you have to make the journey



7 thoughts on “Life, Every Five Minutes, Or Death.

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