For years

now

I’ve been searching for who to be

it’s not uncommon

among adolescent boys

they go through a dream phase

when they hang their idols

on the walls

big men, larger than life

and they reach their peak

of fantasy

but then the bills

come

and the girls turn into women

with needs

and the rules

say “No”

and the adults say “Yes”

“You’re one of us.”

“Buy a house. Do the responsible thing. Care about politics.”

and the young men

become old

and worn out

trading their years

in decades

like inflation

burning their time

away

they might have company

at the end

but no one told them

they would have to take those last steps

alone

and that’s what I am right now

I find, my adolescent dreams

have matured

and I no longer have to watch the movies

in fact, I can’t stand them

although, the symbols

they left behind

have become an amalgam

of my most cherished possessions

Hemmingway, holding a glass and staring into the crowd

or Bukowski declaring himself a genius

when no one else knew

he was alive

Style comes from living

through thoughts that subtly speak

a stride

that carries itself

and knows it

despite the lock-step

of successful soldiers

No more do I need

to join the insane laughter

or agree

death will shudder to take me

I’ll walk that path

alone

It’ll be a long walk

through darkness

where I face my demons

until I see the light

where there are only angels.