Our desire for things outside of ourselves is our own undoing. -Intellectual Shaman

I had a problem, and the lies grew larger, as I grew larger. I was fat, very fat, but I believed I was thin on the inside; so, all I needed to do was flip a switch in my brain and become thin again. Wherever I went, people recommended diets to me, but I scoffed at their remedies for the common man. They always gained their weight back because they thought they were fat, but I knew I was thin; so, when I decided to lose weight, it would happen effortlessly.

It didn’t help that I was the reigning champion of the Bottomless Pie Competition. Most scientists agree that eating 12 blackberry pies defies gastric possibility. But I had worked-out my stomach every day like a champion for years, stretching it to the limit with sausages and eggs. Now my training had caught up with me. 300 pounds rolled onto the scale and then I added another 5.

I decided to stop eating, but I couldn’t. It was like my stomach had a mind of its own. So, I confided in my friends at the Belly Bar.

“You look great,” they said. “Why do you say you want to lose weight?”

I looked at them. I guess it’s hard to get an honest perspective from a group that weighs over a ton. “Besides, if you lose weight, you’ll look like Jimmy over there.”

Jimmy didn’t fit in. He was physically fit and thin.

They say a group reinforces behavior, but when I looked at Jimmy, I noticed that he couldn’t gain any weight, even when he tried.

So, I decided to talk to him about his problem.

“Hey Jimmy, can I get a few tips from you?”

“Sure,” he said.

“I noticed you don’t have any trouble keeping weight off and it seems like you eat more than you used to.”

“That’s right; I have to maintain my title for cheeseburgers, hotdogs, and milkshakes and guys keep challenging me. You can never back down from a challenge.”

“But how do you stay thin? Do you run all night?”

“Not exactly. Listen, you can’t tell anybody this and I don’t recommend it, but do you know Martha Mable?”

“I think so; she makes those pies nobody eats, right?”

“That’s right and she’s a witch.”

“You can’t be serious.”

“I am. I ate her raisin pie out of generosity last year, and you know what it did? It changed my stomach forever. Turned it into a raisin. Now I can’t taste anything or enjoy what I eat. Everything tastes like raisins.”

“How long do you think your condition will last?”

“I don’t know, but if it lasts much longer, I’ll try to eat myself to death and if that doesn’t work, I’ll hunt down that witch and demand a cure.”

“I’m not sure that’s a good idea,” I said. “Witches are cunning; they prey on your desire, always giving you what you want, and always causing you to regret it.”

“Then what should I do?” Jimmy asked.

“You know Jimmy, we both have a similar problem, eating doesn’t make us happy; so, we’ve got to find a way to beat the forces of darkness for our own gain.”

“What do you have in mind?” Jimmy asked.

“We’ve got to fool that witch.”

“That’s kind of like outwitting the devil; there may be eternal consequences if we fail, you know.”

“I know; then we’d better succeed.”

Night fell on the Belly Bar as we prepared to call on Martha Mable.

RING…RING…RING

“Who’s there, at this hour?” An old voice croaked.

“My friend here, wants the cure?”

“Cure for what?”

“Fatness.”

“Oh, you weren’t supposed to tell. If word gets out, I’ll be banished forever.”

“Just give my friend what he wants and we won’t tell anybody.”

“Pleased with your body, are you?”

“I am, but I wish my food didn’t taste like raisins.”

“I have two pies coming out of the oven right now,” she said. “Blueberry or Strawberry?”

“I like strawberry,” I said.

“Very well.”

I took a bite and it tasted like mold, the mold that grows on fruit when it’s been left out too long.

Jimmy ate the Blueberry Pie. His mouth contorted. “Tastes like something I ate on Saturday night.”

“Thank you, boys, for stopping by, now I need to close up shop and get my beauty sleep.” We walked home, not knowing what would happen in the morning. “Man, she’s going to have to sleep for a long time to look beautiful.”

Two weeks later, Jimmy was fat and couldn’t get the taste out of his mouth and I was thin and everything tasted like it was rotting.

I guess there’s no cheating when it comes to losing weight

THE END